HANTASTIC!
by darthsangels
Summary: AU: What if in an AU, Leia and Luke weren't bro and sis? What if Luke was desperate for Leia's attraction? What if Han Solo was getting in the way? What would happen? PLEASE R
1. Luke gets beat up by chewie

HANTASTIC!

Disclaimer: I do not own nuttin'

Rating: PG13

Time Period: Right after 'The Return of the Jedi'

Summary: What if in an Altarnet Universe, Leia and Luke weren't bro and sis? What if Luke was desperate for Leia's attraction? What if Han Solo was getting in the way? What would happen?

By- Darthsnagels

* * *

Everyone was happy. Darth Vader and the Emperor are dead! Our fav friends, Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and those little droids see-threepio(C-3PO) and artoodeetoo(R2D2) are having a party with the ewoks. They will leave to go back to the rebel base soon. Luke was a little sad because his dad had just turned good but died. He looked at his friends, Han and Leia dancing together. He felt a little jealous because he liked her. She wasn't his sister, you know! Luke started walking towards them when suddenly he felt very heavy. He looked down and saw two ewoks holding onto his legs.

"Go away, you furry little nurf-herders!" Luke screamed. He shook his leg furiously but the ewoks wouldn't let go of his ankles. "What do you little walking blankets want?" The ewoks just made some strange gargle noise. Luke decided to ignore the ewoks. He continued to walk towards Lei and Han and with every step he took, he made sure to step on the little ewoks fingers making them shriek in agony.

"Hey guys! 'Sup over here?" Luke asked as he joined Han Solo and his friend Leia Organa.

"Oh, isn't it a joyous occasion? Your evil father is dead! I'm glad my dad wasn't evil, though he is dead too, 'cause your dad's side blew up my home planet. Every time I think about that it makes me sad. And mad. Oh, I hate Skywalker's!" Leia's eyes started filling with salty tears. "Oh, boo hoo!"

"Hey now, Luke. No need to upset the lady! Look what you've done," Han said glaring at Luke and taking Leia in his arms. "There, there, Leia."

Luke stared flabbergasted at them. "What did I do? What did I do?"

"Luke Skywalker! You are so mean! My planet is gone because of Skywalker's! I'm so upset!" Leia choked out. She was crying even more now.

"Hey, Chewie!" Han yelled. Chewbacca, the hairy wookie, came over to them. "Look at what Luke did to Leia." Han said nodding towards the balling women in his arms. "Teach him a lesson, would'ya?" Chewbacca pushed his fists together menacingly.

"Wait now, Chewie! I didn't do anything! No, Chewie! Noooo!" Chewbacca scooped Luke up and carried him behind an ewok house. All that was heard was desperate cries of pain and suffering.

"Thank you, Han, for setting your friend on Luke. Now he knows to be respectful around me." Leia said, wiping her tears.

"No problem."

"I love you."

"I know."

Luke crawled out, every bone in his body cracked or bruised. There is no beating like a wookie beating! Why did Leia do that? _Well, I suppose , _he thought _I can't really blame her. She must be real upset about her planet getting blown up by a Death Star! But didn't that happen a while ago? Poor Leia. But Han! Why would Han do that? Sure he was sticking up for his shudder girlfriend, but couldn't he have the courage to beat me up himself_.? _I coulda_ _kicked his patooty! Han doesn't deserve an awesome girl like Leia. An awesome girl deserves and awesome guy. Like me._

"How ya doing, Lukie? Did Chewie get you real good? I thought you Jedi were suppose to be tough!" Han laughed.

"If I had been prepared, there wouldn't be a wookie to be laughing with." Luke muttered.

"Hey, hey, hey. Is that some sort of threat to my good bud, Chewbacca? Haven't you learned, nerd, you don't pick on my girl, you don't pick on my friends. Got that, Jedi wimp?" Han glared, putting his foot on Luke's back, preventing him from getting up. Then Han, Chewie and Leia left all laughing him.

Luke hear Leia say as the three of them left, "Poor Luke. A skinny guy like him doesn't have a chance in this world."

_I have a chance, _Luke thought. _I'm gonna make sure Leia is MINE! _

It was a month after the death of Darth Vader and all of our fav characters were back at a rebel base. Even though DV and the Emperor were dead as a doornail, the Empire was still strong. The small band of rebels still had to work hard to keep the universe safe.

But Luke thought the safety of the universe was small beans to his problems. Leia still showed no attraction to him but was getting closer to Han Solo! Luke flirted, he was kind, he was aloof, he ignored her, he clinged to her, but still she could not get that he wanted a relationship! He decided he needed to be a little bit more up front.

"Hey Leia! Up for some din-din tonight?" Luke said, asking for a date.

"Sure, Luke!" Leia said. Luke beamed. "There's nothing better then getting together with friends. I'll ask Hannie and Chewbacca to come with us!" She dashed off.

"Rats!" Luke said.

The four buds went to a restaurant. Luke was getting sick watching Leia and Han be all lovey-dovey.

"Oh give me a break, will ya?" He muttered but the loving couple paid no mind to the grumpy Jedi. Luke S looked around for Chewie but even he was sharing a meal with a female wookie he had recently met.

"Hey," Han said looking at Luke, and taking a break from staring at Leia. "Three's a crowd, ya know?"

"Well, I'll be darned! We were all suppose to be going out together! You can't just kick me out of here!" Luke stormed.

"Now now Luke. Don't be such a stick in the mud." Leia said.

"And Luke? See Chewbacca over there? He looks like he's havin' a real nice time with his lady friend. Ya don't want me to disturb him so he can give you a...reminder. If he's disturbed he'll wanna take his anger out on someone. And it 'aight gonna be me, capise?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"Heh heh. Lookit him run."

Luke fell down on his bed. The thought of getting beat up by Chewie again frightened the living daylights out of him. He still had bruises he would never see! But the pain of the hairy fist upon his flesh was nothing compared to the pain of words. Leia had called him a stick in the mud! A STICK IN THE MUD! What did she want, a party animal? No, Luke was not a party animal. HE WAS A PARTY POOPER! Luke began to sob. How, oh how, could he get Leia to love him? Then a thought hit him. The reason Leia didn't like him was because she already loved someone and didn't have any thoughts of other suitors. Luke knew what he had to do. He had to kill Han Solo.

A Jedi could easily kill a simple smuggler, couldn't one? And such a fine Jedi such as Luke should have no trouble...disposing...of an arrogant thief. But now Han Solo had given up the life of crime and had become...respectable and even...likeable among the Rebellion. Mon Mothma even like Solo! So what if he got caught trying to kill Sweet Solo? What if he was found trying to destroy Huggable Han? No, the Jedi must be sneaky. Veeeeeeeeery sneaky.

Luke spent many a day in his room figuring out ways to kill his competition.. He knew that he could not simply strike Han down with his lightsaber. Too obvious. It had to be "accident" related. Yes, as if his death was not a murder but simply an unfortunate event. Actually things were going very well for the deceitful Skywalker. He was thinking of all sorts of wonderfully wicked and believable plots and he noticed Han was no longer stuck by Leia's side. Leia had been doing a lot of business with a group of people called the Hapans. Now all Luke had to do was put his plan into action.

"Hey, Han! What's new?" Luke said to Han Solo as they shared a meal.

"Oh, nothing. I'm actually quite bored since Leia as been spending all her time in Hapes. I DO wonder what she's doing over there. I'm so bored here just hanging around this rebel base. I really, really wanna see Leia again. I would KILL to have Leia back soon!"

"Oh, Hannie, you won't be doing the killing for Leia..." Skywalker mumbled.

"What's that?" Answered Solo.

"Nothing, oh nothing. Really, Han, can't you hear anything? But that doesn't matter! I have a greatastic idea!"

"Greatastic?"

"That's what I said! Sheesh! Anyhoo my idea is why don't we take the _Millennium Falcon _and fly over to Tatooine for a few days? Take in the sites, see the cliffs, look at the natives...you know, manly stuff! That will pass the time while is away!"

"Hey...for a dumb lookin' guy you are actually purty smart, Lukie! Let's do that! I'll ask Chewie to come with us."

"Noooo!" Luke screamed and thrust himself up. Chewbacca could be a monkey wrench in his well calculated plan! Lukeums looked around and saw that everyone was staring at him. "Um, thought Han took the last piece of Bimm Bread...heh heh..."

"I did just take the last piece of Bimm Bread! But do you want it?" Han asked in a muffled tone taking the whole piece of bread out of his mouth and placing it on Luke's plate. "It's a little soggy but you don't mind, do you?"

"We'll leave tomorrow."

"Don't you want your bread?"


	2. TATOOINE CLIFFS!

Luke was all packed as he boarded the space ship. Tatooine was deserted enough to put his dastardly deeds into action. But what of the wookie? With Chewie there, Luke might not be able to end the life of his rival easily. He would have to make it look like an accident. They boarded the ship and it set off. It was a two day flight to Tatooine. Maybe he would be able to think of new dastardly deeds on the way to the desert planet.

Finally the trio arrived at Tatooine! They had been getting along good and Luke had been acting as innocent as possible. They had decided to camp instead of renting a place to stay.

"I used to live in Tatooine! I know the best place to camp."

L. Skywalker led them to a very deserted part of the planet. Few passer byers lived there. The hills were filled with sand people called Tusken Raiders. It was getting late and dark so there was no time to sightsee for that day. The men decided to set up camp.

"So who packed the tents?" asked Luke.

"I thought," said Han, "Why pack tents? We can sleep under the stars!"

"But...but...but the ground! It's hard and dirty!"

"Thanks for worrying about us, Luke-Boy, but I'm fine sleeping on the ground. Leia made me this super soft travel mattress to sleep on! She's such a doll. I was going to ask her to make one for you but you're a Jedi and all and you're as tough as sticks! Right? Right." Han exclaimed laying down a very soft travel mattress on the hard Tatooine ground and pulling the Bimm stuffed covers up to his face. His head lay on a large pillow. "Leia made it all for me 'cause she knows I travel a lot."

"Well, what about Chewie? He doesn't have anything to sleep on. Maybe you should give him your nice bedding so he won't get mad." said Luke smugly.

"No worries there! Leia sewed Chewie some nice stuff too!" Chewbacca was setting up a bed just like Han's. Luke stared in disbelief.

"You are saying she made Chewie soft travel bedding but not me? SHE MADE CHEWIE STUFF BUT NOT ME? NOT LUKE, WHO'S STUCK BY HER SIDE THROUGH THICK AND THIN! NOT LUKE WHO RESCUED HER FROM DARTH VADER! NOT LUKE WHO SAVED THE UNIVERSE SINGLE HANDIDLY AND CONVERTED ONE OF THE DEADLIST AND EVILST PEOPLE EVER BACK TO THE GOOD SIDE? WHY NOT MEEEEEE!" His voice echoed through the lonely desert.

"Night-night, Luke."

"Roar-gruff."

Luke looked at his sleepy comrades. He nestled down, laying his head on a rock and hugged himself to keep warm. Rocks dug into his sides and no matter where he tossed or turned, he was uncomfortable. It was a long night for Luke Skywalker.

"Rise and shine, friends!" Han Solo said, stretching and yawning as he got up from his extremely comfortable bed. "What's that good smell?" he said walking over to his chum the Wookie. Chewbawk was already cooking a delicious and hardy breakfast! "Come on, Luke! Up and at 'em!" Han said, shaking the Jedi. Luke had finally gotten to sleep about five minutes ago. He had been kept up all night by the hardness of the ground, the odd sounds and sights, and the large snoring coming from the hairy beast who was now slopping some sort of disgusting stew onto a plate.

"Noo...sleep good..."

"LUKE! Get up!" Han yelled and grabbed the slop and spooned it into Luke's mouth.

"GAAAAAAAK!" Luke jumped from the hard ground. "What is that loathsome concoction? Are you trying to poison me with that horrible feces?" Luke's face was met with a powerful fist.

"Tsk tsk. Shouldn't have insulted your breakfast...when it's cooked by a wookie."

After Luke Skywalker had bandaged his cheek he decided to put PLAN A into action. PLAN A involved the seeing of some high heights.

"I have an idea! Let's see the TATOOINE CLIFFS! They're world famous." Chewbawk growled at this comment.

"Chewie says he's never heard of these Tatooine cliffs you rave about." Han said matter a factly.

"I'm sure he's never heard of the Tatooine cliffs. But you would have to have lived in a cave if you've never heard of the TATOOINE CLIFFS!" Luke insisted. He led the others for a very long time in a straight line until they could no longer see they're camp along the flat desert.

"How much longer? Chewie and I are getting hungry, tired, and thirsty."

"Not much longer, my impatient smuggler. Just keep walking."

Eventually they stumbled upon a very deep decrease. Why, it was a magnificent canyon at least 85 stories down!

"Watch your step! We don't want anyone to fall!" Said Han quickly stepping away from the edge of the cliff.

"No, that would be a shame." Luke said quietly. "Quite a shame." 

They trio stood for a moment, not that close to the edge of one of the great TATOOINE CLIFFS just staring and looking hard down to the rocky cavern below. Luke grew impatient.

"While you wussies stay here I'm going to go real close up and enjoy an actual view! You'll never really be able to experience this great historic monument if you're not right up close with the action." Luke taunted and went right up to the edge. He stumbled a bit as a few loose rocks below his feet gave way and he looked down below to the abyss which could soon be someone's rocky deathbed.

Han Solo (being the big, arrogant what-not as he is) simply could not stand being showed up by a pesky little twerp. Even though he thought these "TATOOINE CLIFFS" were no different than any cliff he'd ever seen before (except they were always said with much expression and emotion), he didn't want to tell Leia when he got back that he had not "really" experienced the sights of Tatooine. He bravely went and stood beside his Jedi pal. Chewbacca stayed back, signaling his annoyance with an angry growl. Luke stood behind Han, whose feet were touching the edge of the cliff, and Han was looking down below. This was Luke's opportune moment...and he had to act fast. 

Luke gave Han the smallest of nudges, and that was enough to send Solo Han into a spiraling, twisting, stumbling, screaming, mess. Han yelled as he was pushed forward and his eyes looked far, far below to the fall he was soon to experience. Not knowing what to do as he stumbled on the brink of the cavern he reached behind himself for something to grab. He wasn't sure what it was but as he grabbed it to steady himself, he flung his object forward and step back on tera-firma...safe.

"Phew! That was a close one, right Luke? Luke? LUKE!" Han gasped as he saw his friend fall down and down and down the cliff. Han and flung Luke into the cavern! This is not what Luke had expected to happen. It was a very deep hole and Luke's cries which at first had been heard so loudly grew steadily quieter.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." Until they were heard no longer. Secondly a large plopping sound was heard as Luke's body turned into a tiny dot.

"LUKE! LUKE! Luke? Luke, are you okay? Luke?" Han's voice echoed until it turned into a sobbing whisper. His fourth best buddy had just flung himself off a cliff! Sometimes that Luke could be just so stupid! "Chewie, we need to go down there and see if he's okay!"

Human and Wookie searched for a path leading down the sharp decline. They searched for an hour or two until they found a small path leading down the cavern as if leading down to the very steps of Hell itself. This path was used for Jawas. They would travel down it once a year to collect things from the unfortunate dead souls who fell down. Many could have things of worth that could be used to sell. Jawas are pretty small so they have pretty small paths. Much to small for a big man and an even bigger Wookie. But despite the small cramped environment, Han and Chewie kept pressing on. Hours went by as they stumbled down the long winding deathly tiny path. The day had turned to dusk by the time they reached the bottom of the canyon.

"Luke! Luke! Can you hear me Luke? Chewie, help me look for him!" Han yelled a desperate look in his eye. Chewie growled in response. "Chewie...don't say that. Don't say he's dead...Chew--- LUKE!" Han ran as fast as he could towards the crumpled body. Blood lay all around in a dry puddle. His body looked out of whack.

Han looked in disgust and pain. His friend's head was covered in a crust of blood and his arm looked like it was in a painful position. Han grimaced at the sight. There was no way anyone, even a Jedi, could survive a fall like that. Han fell to his knees and scooped Luke's beaten body into his lap.

"Noooooooooooooo," Han moaned.

"RUFF HAFF HAFF!" Chewie let out a mungo wookie laugh, (he never really did like Lukeums.)

"H--haan?"

"Did you hear that, Chewie? Luke said something! Speak to me, Luke! Speak to me!" Han violently shook The Skywalker of Luke.

"O...www. S-stop s-h-hakin'...my 'ead 'urts."

"Ha ha! Do you hear that, Chewie? He lives! HE LIVES! Oh, I'd knew you'd be alright! I'm so happy!"

"We're ya...genuinely worried about me, Han? Old buddy?"

"Nah, I wasn't really worried about you. Just Chewie and I made a large bet if you'd live or not! I'd knew you'd survive! But it's a big loss for Chewbacca. He loses a lot (HEAR THAT, CHEWIE? A LOT!) of money. And you live."

"Hey, hey now! Why is my living a big loss? Why isn't that a huge reward?" Luke said, sitting up.

"Well, let's face it, little buddy. He doesn't really like ya, I don't really like ya. Now, get up and let's get a move on! It's already twilight."

And Han was right, it was twilight. With the support of his "friends" the beaten and battered Luke, trudged up the Jawa path and through the desert until they found their campsite where Luke was heavily bandaged. He was so tired, Luke fell asleep on the hard floor without even thinking.


	3. A long walk

Master Jedi woke that morning with every inch of his flesh burning, stinging, and aching painfully. His head was wrapped, His arms in a sling, his ankles had bandages and everywhere else had some sort of medical tape on it. Chewie through a moldy piece of Bimm bread at him (which Chewie had snot on), an he ate it eagerly.

""Morning, Lukie! Sleep well?" Han asked cheerfully as he pulled on his brown and torn vest he wore everyday.

"Eh."

"I suppose you want a day of rest to recuperate from that deadly and horrify situation yesterday. That's fine...I mean I did want to sightsee a bit more and all today since the weather's good and all."

"Yeah, a day of relaxation would be nice," said Luke.

Chewbawk growled.

"Yeah, that's right, Chewie. All Luke ever thinks about is himself! I said I wanted to sightsee but he's all _no I'm to weak and stupid and important and I don't care what you want Han, I come first. Naaah."_

"I never said that! It's just that I fell----"

"See? I FELL.. "I." All he care's about is himself. But okay, let him get his way, I mean he is way importanter then us right, Chew? He is a JEDI."

"Hey now! No need to get your tidy-widys in a knot! No need to get antsy! I didn't mean anything of that sort!"

"Look at Mr.Oh-I'm-So-Good-I-Can-Just-DENY-DENY-DENY! WELL, GUESS WHAT, BUSTER? IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK WITH US! NOT GOING TO WORK WITH **_UUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" _**Han shouted with all his mighty might,

Luke stumbled to his feet. "Fine. We'll go out exploring."

"Well, okay if that's the way you want. I don't want to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do."

Luke led them from their camp and away from the _Millennium Falcon_. He led them in the opposite direction of the TATOOINE CLIFFS. Luke didn't know where he was going but he hoped to stumble across something he could pass off as a landmark. As they walked (and Luke limped) Luke came up with an idea to kill both Solo and the mighty Chewbacca. Luke would find someplace to hide (which could be quite difficult in the middle of the desert) and make his comrades look the other way while he hid. Then after they wandered around and were out of sight, he would run (hobble) back to camp, fly the _Millennium Falcon _to the rebel base back on Coruscant. There he would meet Leia and tell her that Han Solo had tragically died but he would always be there. He would be there as she mourned and then she would fall desperately in love with him. Yes, that's how it would be. Han and Chewie would be get lost in the desert and die! Anxious to put his plan into action he increase his speed until they came across small canyons that you could walk through. There were many large rocks and trenches to hide in.

"Sand people used this path a lot," Luke told Han and Chewbacca, "because I can tell it is well worn. LOOK! There's one now!" He quickly pointed far away and as Chewbawk and Solo looked into the distant for the Jawa or Tusken, Luke dashed behind a rock and hid.

"Hey, Luke, I can't see it," Hanna said, turning around. "Luke? Now where'd ya go?" Han yelled and searched around. Luke used the Force to make Han think he had already checked behind that rock that Luke was hiding behind. "No, Chewie. I already looked there." Chewbacca still roared in protest and started heading towards the rock, as if he knew Luke was hiding there. Luke started getting worried. Chewie reached the rock and looked behind it. Before the wookie could scream for Han, Luke drew his lightsaber and sliced the wookie's hand off. Chewbacca roared angrily and sucked his bleeding hand.

"I TOLD WE ALREADY LOOKED THERE." Han yelled angrily. Luke let go of Han's mind and Han and Chewie walked on. Luke waited until they were no longer seen and then dashed the opposite way.

"I know I've seen that rock before so I must be going the right way. Heh heh. Mayhap I see Han and Chewbacca's dead body whilst I get there?" Luke laughed a cruel laugh. He had been walking for over eight hours and had still not stumbled upon their camp or any sign of possible life and Luke was getting hungry, thirsty, and very, very tired, but his spirits were high and he kept pressing on knowing soon he would find the _Millennium Falcon_ and fly back to Leia.

Back at the ranch. Han and Chewbawk were walking at a fast speed. Han had bandaged Chewie's hand and the duo kept their hunger and thirst at bay because the hairy monster had packed Bimm bread and a canteen filled with water from the fresh springs of Naboo. They trudged on and searched the barren plains for their missing friend.

"Oh, for pity's sake!" Han yelled. "There's the _Millennium Falcon_! We've been going around in circles! That Luke must have taken us the wrong way. Oh, well. I am getting tired and it is almost too dark to see so I guess it is fortunate we stumbled upon our camp. I'm guessin' Luke's already there wondering where the hell we were."

But Luke was not at the camp. On the contrary, he was all the way on the other side of the planet! He had walked, and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked and, walked .and, walked. And he had walked even farther then that! And the worst part was he thought he was going in the right direction! So it was nightfall and Chewie and Han Solo had gotten bored waiting for him so they went to sleep. It wasn't till very early the next morning Luke thought of something...

"I don't think I'm going the right way." But this didn't depress Luke too much, he just kept walking. The thought of Han Solo's dead carcass rotting as the sand people picked at his possessions was enough to keep his spirit's a float. The joy of it all! As the morning of the second day turned to afternoon and the afternoon turned to evening, Luke was beginning to feel the pain. Every muscle and bone in his body ached from the non stop movement. His brain was fuzzy because of his lack of sleep...he wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep while walking. His throat burn from thirst and his stomached clawed of hunger. His legs fell weak and he began to crawl. Again his eyes were blurry...but was that...Leia?

"Le...y...a?"

"Hello, Little Lukie."

"Leia?"

"My snookums, you made it."

"Is that you?"

"Yes, my dove. Now, come give me a wittle kiss!" Luke could feel himself rise and he puckered his lips. Suddenly, the feeling was not of softness but of...hair! No...not hair, but worse. FUR!

"EEECH!" Luke spat. Chewbacca roar furiously.

"Hey, Luke! You made it!" Han ran over.

"Han? Chewie? Am I back at camp?"

"Yep."

Luke sat down onto Han's bed. "How long have I been away?"

"Over 24 hours or if you're on Tatooine time 1298 zoopanks." Han mumbled, his mouth was stuffed with Bimm bread.

"I'm so hungry...any food?" Luke coughed out.

"Uh oh," said Han. "Sorry, mate. I just ate the last of the Bimm bread. I wasn't even that hungry..."

Luke grimaced. "Okay, no food. But that doesn't matter...I'm thirstier anyway." Luke saw Han point his head towards Chewie.

"Chewie's using the last of it, Luke." Luke looked over and saw Chewie brushing his teeth! Chewbacca gurgled and spat and then let the last of the precious water pour from the keg onto the thirst-ridden ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Gee, mate. Don't freak out on us. It's not our fault."

Luke's eyes turned from worried and despairing to angry and devil-like. "No more food?" The smuggler shook his head. "No more water?" The wookie shook his. Luke gave another deathly loud screech. He charged at Han, lightsaber drawn.

"Whatcha doing, mate? Mate? MATE!" Han dodged a lightsaber. "Quick, Chewie! Bein' out in the desert for so long as scrambled his brains! Get 'em!" Chewbacca ran towards Luke who was desperately trying to burn some part of Han with his lightsaber. Chewie rapped his long arms around Luke and squeezed hard so Luke couldn't breathe. Luke dropped his lightsaber and Chewie dropped him. Then Luke dropped to the ground, exhausted. There he though he'd sleep till morn.


	4. Pretty flowers

Luke had a dream. It was a terrible dream. It started out swell but ended up with him in a despicable position. He dreamed that Leia was jealous because a neato looking women with shocking red hair was paying attention to Luke. But then the neat girl had a lightsaber and started battling with him! The neato girl was winning the lightsaber match. Then Red-hair grabbed Luke's lightsaber and started heading towards Leia! Luke tried to save her but red-hair kicked him and he couldn't get up. What was Leia going to do? But before Neato Redhead could kill the helpless Leia, Han Solo jumped in and started punching the red-haired women's lightsabers without getting hurt! He then killed her and swept Leia off her feet into the Tatooine horizon. Before Luke could stop them, he got beaten up by Chewbacca again! This is when he woke up. Luke looked around but saw nothing but the dark sky. It was not yet the morning but Luke didn't think he could get back to sleep after that nerve-shattering nightmere. He shivered in the cold and looked at his friends, all warm in the nice cozy comforters that Leia had made them. Skywalker spat on the ground in an angry fit. Who was that red haired woman? It didn't matter, it was just a vision in his mind. But he could not jade his fears.

Eventually Han and Chewbacca rose, looking refreshed and relaxed.

"GOOOOOOOOOOD MORNIN'!" Luke yelled. He had a strange smile on his face. It was the smile of a man with dastardly deed in mind.

"Um...hi? You're not usually up at this time. 'Sup wit choo?"

"Nee hee hee. HEE TEE HEE TEE! E.T. THE ALIEN!"

"What...?"

"I don't know. It was some strange delusion."

"Dang, you Jedi are whack!"

Luke smiled again. His eyes were blood shot and had blue bags underneath them. His face was wrinkly yet tight. His thin lips were turning purple from smiling for so long. Something about that dream had put determination in his mind...a drive to win Leia...and a drive to kill any neato red haired women he saw. 

Chewie barked a greeting yet it did not sound friendly. He was a hostile wookie!

"Luke?" Han asked tentivly. Luke was rocking back and forth on his ankles, chewing a rock. Surprisingly he was able to break parts off of the large stone and began crunching away as a early breakfast. "Are you okay?" To this Chewie roared something witty and rude but Han paid no mind to the howling alien. "I mean...you look a bit stressed."

"Stress? No, preciousss. We are not stressed...no, my dove. Noooo. We must go now. Must hurry and ready ourselves! Yes, precious, yes!" Luke jumped up and bending over and walking oddly, started gathering travel equipment.

"I agree with you, Luc. I think our little jont out here has lasted long enough. It appears to have stressed you out very much so! And besides I am quite ready to leave Tatooine." Han said with a slight lopsided smile. Luke heard this and howled miserably.

"NOOOO! WE CANNOT LEAVE TATOOINE! NO, PRECIOUS NO!" He glared at everyone. "My business is not yet done." His eyes turned a little redder and his glare a little meaner. And then he relaxed his face and his eyes turned back normally to only having a light veil of pink. "Han, my boy, what I simply mean is why not stay a little longer? We have not yet truly captured the beautifulness of this planet." _What I really mean, _thought Luke, _is that YOUR NOT DEAD YET!_

Shaking his head, Han said, "I dunno Luke. This planet is kinda dull. And I don't think it's doin' good things to yah mind! It's messin' things up inside! I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave this god-forsaken mound of dirt. I will send a holomessage to Leia now, to alert her about our return to Coruscant. She will be home from Hapes now." Han Solo walked off to the _Millennium Falcon _to contact Leia. Using the Force Luke concentrated on his best friend Leia, and could tell she was not at the rebel base but still at Hapes. _That's odd,_ he thought to himself. _But this just might work out for me._

"Han! Aw, there you are! I have decided that it is absolutely the best idea to leave! How could I ever question you? Oh, and by the way Han, how is Leia? Is she excited we are coming back?"

Han shook his head looking flustered and low. "She's still on Hapes. Apparently their political negotiations are going to take longer than planned," his voice cracked with a hint of distaste. "Now what am I going to do?"

"Well," the sneaky man said sneakily, "I don't suppose you would like to hang around here any longer?"

Han sighed again. "I guess it's better than spending the time at the rebel base! It's terribly dull there and they send me on dangerous missions! Like, why do I want to do that? Geez mahn!"

"How about we go on a lil' expedition only a hundred kilometers from here? I know a lovely spot to picnic! Scenic flora views!"

Han Solo gathered his stuff while Luke Skywalker packed a picnic. Whilst they were ready to leave, the duo and Chewie started out on their hundred kilometer journey to the wondrous picnic spot Luke raved about.

"It's so beautiful you'll just want to EAT IT UP..." Luke said and then quieted his tone until only the wind could hear his voice," if it doesn't eat you first...heh heh heh."

It was yet another long trudge to their destination. But at least this time Luke knew where he was going! Eventually they came across a cliff, but twas not the TATOOINE CLIFFS but of another sort.

"We're here," Luke exclaimed happily. Han and Chewie did not roar in excitement.

"GROOOOOAGK!"

"Where's the floral view, Luke? I WANNA SEE FLOWERS!"

"Tsk tsk my impatient friends. For your scenic sight of flora you must merely look into the cavern."

The wookie and Han looked down into the deep of the cliff. They screamed in surprise at what they saw. It was not delightful flowers that greeted their eyes but a sarlacc, a man-eating flower! Han and Chewie and Luke had encountered this sarlacc before when they were to be executed by Jabba the Hutt. It had almost claimed the life of Han's best bud Lando! Both of them were not to please to be seeing this hungry flower again. Luke simply smiled smugly.

"Are you not pleased?"

"LUKE! THIS IS NOT A FLORAL DELIGHT! I DO NOT SEE PRETTY FLOWERS CURESSING MY EYELIDS! THIS IS A SARLACC AND IF WE FALL INTO HIS DEATH TRAP WE WILL BE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY DIGESTED OVER A THOUSAND YEARS! THIS IS NOT A PERFECT PICNIC SPOT!"

"Well, talk about picky. I'd thought you'd like it here but I guess you are just a scaredy cat . Yep, a little afraid of a flower. A flower! Hear that, Chewie? Han's afraid of a _flower." _Luke and Chewie laughed.

"Laugh it up, fuzzball. Fine! Fine! We'll eat lunch here. But then we leave, capice?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

The blanket was all set up and the three of them sat nicely on the blanket.

"Haven't you set our blanket a _little_ close to the edge of the cliff?" asked Han warily.

"Of course not!" The blanket teetered on the edge. "I made everyone special sandwiches!" Luke screamed. Han beamed and Chewbacca roared in delight. "For me I have Calamarian meat on Bimm bread. For my good pal Chewie we have wookie meat on wookie bread." Luke handed the wookie the wookie sandwich. Chewbacca roared and thrust his fist and his stub hand into the air.

"Chewbacca hates wookie sandwiches!" Han yelled.

'I know," Luke said with a tiny laugh. "And for my bestest bud ever...I made your absolute favourite. YSALARMI MEAT ON BIMM BREAD!" Luke said pulling the sandwich out of the basket. Saliva dripped from Han's mouth. His eyes turned wild. His face became that of a dog. "Y-y-ys-s-salarmi spit meat on slobber b-bimm gurgle br-read? R-really?"

"Yes, really. I know you love it."

Luke had came prepared. Han Solo, tough as nails Hanna, had one weakness. Ysalarmi meat on Bimm bread. He loved it. He longed for it. He even KILLED for it. He would give up anyone's life for just a nibble of the sandwich. He didn't get a taste often though, because Ysalarmi are hard to come by. But when he did you couldn't see a happier man.

"G-give google it to me oogle now, L-Luke. Puh-lease, now Luke." Han looked wild.

"Of course, Hannie! Here ya g---WHOOPS!" When Luke was reaching to hand the sandwich to Han it "slipped" out of his fingers and into the treacherous cavern below! By accident of course.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Han broke into a fit of sobs and tears. Luke and Chewie held their aching ears. The sound of his cries shook the planet and boulders broke in half.

"Golly gee, I'm real sorry about that, Han. Hey look! Your sandwich landed on that little ledge down their! Maybe you could climb down and get it?"

Han gurgled a reply and then started climbing down the long canyon until he would reach the tiny cliff where his sandwich lay. One false move and he would fall to be eaten by the sarlacc's favourite meal; man flesh. This is what Luke counted on.

Chewie and Luke watched Han daintily climb down the canyon, foot hold by foot hold, hand hold for hand fold. It wasn't until Han reached his sandwich that Luke found out his plan was not working. How come Han hadn't fallen? How come the sarlacc hadn't grabbed him with it's tentacles? _It's asleep, that's why, _Luke though. He grabbed his calamarian sandwich and Chewie's untouched food and threw them down at the sarlacc. Han was fastly making his way up the canyon with sandwich in tow. Luke didn't know what to do! He saw many rocks and threw them at the dozing plant. Finally a sandy tentacle rouse up and made a snatch at Solo. He screamed and quickened his pace up the cavern wall.

Chewbacca barked happily as Han had managed to dodge the plant's wrath and was a few foot holds away from being up safely at the top of cliff. Luke was bursting inside! All of his plans had failed! He did not think he could take much more of it. He ran to the edge where Han was just pulling himself up. Luke grabbed Han's collar and screamed.

"Luke! Luke! It's okay, ya don't need to help me up...really! Luke, stop it! LUKE!" Han yelled as he was jostled up and down hanging precariously above the dangerous plant. Luke was so angry! Just as he was about to drop Han to his death, Han grabbed Luke and pulled himself onto the ledge but sent Luke flying! Luke fell down and down and was just about to fall into the jaws of the sarlacc when he grabbed a ledge of the cliff and began pulling himself up. He looked way, way up to see Chewbacca laughing at his fall and Han...well Han was pretty much tuned out in his own little sandwich world.

Luke struggled to pull himself up the cavern wall. He was not as strong or muscular as Han Solo and had trouble finding foot holds. Luke used his lightsaber to ward off the tentacles but he could not keep it up for long.

It took an hour until Luke was almost at the top. Just...one...more...reach...but oh! Luke's foot was taken a hold of by a large plant tentacle!

"Help me," he screamed but Chewbacca was laughing at Luke's struggles and Han was still tasting his lunch. Luke knew if he didn't act fast he would lose his life to this sarlacc. He grabbed his lightsaber and with a quick _swish! _and a death driven scream from himself, the tentacle and Luke's foot fell back towards the head of the sarlacc.

He climbed up just to see Han rise, a dreamy and aimless smile floating across his face.

"Hey, Luke," he said. "What happened to your foot?"

Luke had just finished bandaging his stub of his foot. He lay against a rock and looked at the _Millennium Falcon. _Could it have been a mistake to come here? _No_, he thought._ No! I have not wasted a week beating myself up. The problem is I've used methods that are not fool-proof. No I must be more straight forward. I know what I can do to get the job done._


	5. Tusken Raiders

It was half past midnight when Luke roes from his rocky bed. He looked at Chewbacca and Han sleeping peacefully. _It will be your last night, sucker._

Luke started walking.

The Jedi had seen a group of sand people a little ways back from their camp. Luke didn't like the Tusken Raiders (he was a Skywalker you know!) but tonight he knew they would prove themselves to be useful. Over a small hill, he saw a very many tents lit by fire light. Banthas and creepy looking dog things circled the camp. A few tuskens sat about, occupied by their "aggressive negotiations."

Luke ran down the hill and hid behind a hut. He saw the two Tuskens on watch. Time to put his plan into action. Luke drew his lightsaber and ran out screaming. He cut the throats of the Tusken Raiders on watch and two more jumped out of the huts. Skywalker Jr. quickly cut one of his attackers in half and began a battle with the second one; lightsaber versus gaffi stick. Luke made sure that the Tusken screamed and made a lot of noise. Eventually tons of the brutal creatures ran out of their huts and ran at Luke. His plan was working. He quickly killed the one he had been battling with previously and ran for his life.

He ran and ran until he could see the _Millennium Falcon _in the distance. He turned around sharply to see if the Tuskens were still following him. The Tuskens were following- following close. One Raider thrust a gaderfffi in his face and Luke fell down. He was surrounded by the Tuskens. More came and continued to beat him badly with sticks. This is NOT how his plan was suppose to be working. Using the Force, he sent the nearest Raiders flying and quickly righted himself and fled. He would not, could not, abort his plan now! He ran as fast as he could. It was hard because he only had one foot but he was almost at the camp now. He could feel the pelt of gaffi sticks on his back, he could hear their deathly savage cries. Luke screamed now...so close and yet so far. He ran into camp and tripped. Again the pain of a spiky ball being thrust through his flesh by a sand person rang through his leg. He looked and saw that many of the sand people had started tearing up the comfy feather beds that Han and Chewbacca slept on. He heard roars and screams and he couldn't be sure if they were Chewie's, Han's, or his own. Cutting the current Tusken who was beating him, he ran as fast as he could into the _Millennium Falcon._

Luke shut the door of the ship and looked through the window. Chewbacca was pounding at it furiously trying to be let in. A Tusken Raider was pounding on Chewbawk.. The Tusken thrust his gaderfffi through Chewbacca and the brave wookie dropped dead. Luke could not stifle his smile. The many Tuskens were tearing apart their camp. The dead sun roes and an eerie red light enhailed the camp. The cries of the savage animals made Luke's blood run cold. Suddenly remembering his task, Luke ran to the ship's controls and the _Millennium Falcon _took off. His job was completed. He had gotten the Raiders to do it for him. Han Solo was dead.


	6. The end

Luke was half way home to Coruscant. He had decided he didn't need a co-pilot because this ship was easy enough to maneuver. He had also received a message from Leia that told him that she was back from Hapes. Things could not have been going better for the young Jedi when he suddenly heard a large crash. He set the _Falcon _to autopilot and looked around. The door to the secret smuggling compartments was opening! Luke readied his lightsaber for whatever dangerous alien that had stashed its way inside. He glared but was even more surprised at what came out of the compartment.

"HAN SOLO?"

"Hiya, buddy old boy, Luke!"

"WHAT IN THE DICKENS ARE YOU DOING STILL ALIVE!"

"Isn't it great? I woke up and saw you being chased by a bunch of angry spiky head things so I hid in here! Where's Chewbacca?"

"HE'S DEAD, YOU IDJIT!

"Well, hey now. Could you please stop screaming?"

Luke didn't scream. He had fainted.

Luke awoke in a very white room. He looked around and saw he was in a very white bed. A very white person in very white clothes walked in.

"Good morning," she said in a very white voice. "How are you feeling?"

Luke sat upright. "What happened, nurse girl?"

"HMMPH! It is Nurse Mara Jade to you!"

Luke sighed. "Okay okay, Nurse MJ, would you mayhap tell me what happened to me?"

"You fainted aboard a ship and got a nasty cut on your noggin. That wondrous, delightful, smart, handsome, brave, cunning, captain of the ship brought you to me once the spaceship had landed at the rebel base on Coruscant. You have just woken up from a 10 hour coma! And beside the fact that you cracked you head open, you have one foot, a robotic hand, broken ribs, broken back, two sprained wrists, and broken nose, and a bruised everywhere-else!" She glared. "You must take better care of your body!" The nurse took off her very white hat and very red locks fell out of it. It looked just like the girl in Luke's dream! Before Luke could react he blurted out:

"YOU SAY I'M ON CORUSCANT?"

"That's right, my an---- Hey, where are you going, patient?"

Luke jumped out of bed and sped as fast as he could down the hallway. He must find Leia! He must find Leia!

"There she is!"

Leia was walking and looked lovely in a green and purple dress. Her hair was done in an more elaborate fashion then Luke had ever seen it before. Just as he was about to go up to her he saw that holding onto her arm was Han Solo!

"Hey, there's Luke!"

"Hello, Luke. It's nice to see you again."

"H-hi there, Leia. You look f-faboulous!"

"Doesn't she looks nifty in her Hapes outfit? She got the style when she was at Hapes for her diplomatic mission!"

"Oh, Hannie Wannie!"

"Did you have a nice time with the Hapans, Leia?"

"Oh, it was absolutely SPLENDID! But I couldn't bear being away from my Soloums! Talking about my sweet Han, did you thank him, Luke, for saving your life when you hit your head? Luke?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Luke had admitted defeat. It was obvious now, Han and Leia were in love. And Han was invincible. He had tried and tried to kill Han to win Leia, and as much as he pined for her, it was impossible. He could not get Leia. No matter how hard he tried.

Two days later, Luke and Leia were having a friendly luncheon.

"Han should be along shortly," said Leia.

"What a bundle of joy."

Suddenly the red-haired nurse came running in screaming. "HAN! HAN SOLO! HAN SOLO IS DEAD! HE TRIPPED AND IS DEAD! OH HELP! HELP US FOR THE GREAT SOLO IS DEAD!"

"WHAT?" shriek Leia.

"Han Solo is what?"

"DEAD! DEAD I TELL YOU! DEAD! HE TRIPPED ON A ROCK AND LANDED ON HIS HEAD AND IS DEAD! HAN SOLO IS DEAD!"

"H-he tripped on a rock and died?" Luke could not believe it. _I tried to throw him off a cliff but he didn't die. I tried to starve him in the desert but he didn't die. I tried to feed him to a sarlacc and he didn't die! The Tuskens couldn't kill him BUT HE TRIPS ON A ROCK AND DIES! _Luke screamed loudly. "I SUFFERED GREATLY BUT ALL I HAD TO DO IS LAY A BLOODY ROCK IN FRONT OF HIM TO KILL HIM?"

"He is quite clumsy," moaned Leia. Her eyes were shiny but a single tear did not fall from them.

"Leia," Luke said settling down. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm sad of course," she said. "But aw well, you know, I'm kind of relieved."

"WHAT? RELIEVED?"

"Don't get me wrong of course! I mean I really liked Han. He was charming, and nice, and brave...but I've found another."

"Another?"

"Yes. He's been with me for a while but I haven't seen it till now. I'm truly in love with another."

"W-who is this other?"

"Well, he's got blonde hair..."

"I have blonde hair!"

"And he's very kind..."

"I'm very kind!"

"And he cares..."

"I CARE!" Luke could not believe it. Could it be that Leia was really in love with him?

"I couldn't be with this person because that would hurt Han too much but now that's he's gone..." Yes, it must be Luke she was in love with! "I see I can start a meaningful relationship with Prince Isolder, prince of Hapes!"

"Luke?"

"Isolder?"

"Yes, I met him when I went to Hapes. I stayed longer to be with him. I was worried that Han would take it hard. I must leave now, Luke. Prince Isolder should be here soon to start planning our wedding! Thanks for being such a great friend!" Leia kissed his cheek and left. Luke put his head down on the table and bathed in his own despair. Soon See-threepio came and sat down by Luke.

"Master Luke, isn't the weather today just fantastic?"

"Yes, yes. Just plain Hantastic."

THE END!


End file.
